Elisa's Blog
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
I've got it!!

The perfect cure for the broken heart! No more "Oh, my boyfriend of 7 years cheated on me then proposed to me by email two weeks later", or "The boy I like doesn't like me back", or "He only calls once every two days when I wish he would call me twice a day" or "My girlfriend has so many admirers that I'm not sure she's not going to run off away with one of them" or "She wants me to marry her and I don't" or "I want to marry her and she doesn't", or "I'm in love with a married man who won't leave his wife for me" or "I'm in love with my boss/secretary/coworker/student/teacher/TA/mechanic/UPS guy/friend/friend's mom" or any other questionable disaster-bound love situation!!

Wanna know what it is? O.K. well, you know how they say the best way to get over someone is to find yourself someone else? This is all well and good in theory, but it doesn't always work, because oftentimes finding someone else is difficult, or they are themselves in love with someone else, or they won't give you the time of day, and if your first someone is closer and slightly more available, then why bother with the someone else, who just opens up the exact same can of worms (with variations) all over again, and additionally requires all that effort of trying to get to know them from scratch, meeting them, wining and dining them, etc. etc. etc.

There is some truth to the saying, of course. What is needed is a form of distraction that prevents you from thinking about the original someone during all your waking hours. The trick is, the distraction needs to be: 1. non-destructive (otherwise what's the point?), 2. all encompassing and enjoyable (i.e. needs to be capable of absorbing your attention completely when engaging in said distraction, and needs to be capable of making you think about the distraction even when not engaging in it, to prevent you from going back to the old pattern of thinking about that problematic "someone", and even when you're not awake, should be enough of a distraction to creep into your dreams, thus squeezing the "someone" out of the valuable dreamspace commodity) 3. easy to obtain (i.e. widely available and affordable). 4. portable (so you can engage yourself in said distraction whenever you catch your mind drifting towards that "someone").

As you can see, traditional remedies for the broken heart fall short on many of these. Ice cream and chocolate, while easy to obtain, portable, and fairly non-destructive, are hardly all-encompassing (few people dream constantly and quotidianly about eating ice cream or chocolate, for instance); finding someone else, as said before, has the drawback that the someone else is not easy to obtain nor portable; getting involved in clubs and hobbies and activities is neither easy nor affordable nor something you can engage in anywhere at all times; watching sappy hollywood movies is not enjoyable; going to church is destructive, as is praying and other traditional spiritual remedies (which are also, as most know, akin to torture and therefore not very enjoyable, either); alcohol and drugs, well, fail in pretty much all criteria except #3 or #4. So clearly, what is needed is something revolutionary. And you'll hear it here first!

So, ready? Here it is, the panacea for the lovelorn: What the unhappily lovestruck people need to find themselves is............a Nintendo GameBoy.

That'll be 10 cents, please.

Alas, if only there were such a simple solution to the complex problems of the heart. Good attempt, though. I'll give you 5 cents, and here's why:

You may not have had the unexpected experience of playing console games using a controller long enough to the point where at least one (usually both) of your thumbs is numbed and/or rubbed raw and/or visibly flattened at the pad causing a throbbing pain at every button mash. This condition lasts through until the next day, in which case, attempting to play the with the same device is a rather excruciating endeavor. Unless, of course, you've figured out how to agilely manipulate your other digits on the buttons while lacking the ability to support it with your opposable thumbs. This is rather difficult to accomplish, and also effectively reduces the number of buttons you can use for adequate gameplay. The GameBoy is like other major console game controllers and is, unfortunately, not exempt from causing thumb damage with extended immersive play.

Consequently, I contend that points 1 and 2 may not hold. The mere fact that playing GameBoy can be an all-encompassing and all-consuming mind shunt is great, but, in my opinion, unsustainable even over the short term due to physical hand damage. This makes point 1 difficult to maintain today and point 2 difficult to maintain tomorrow.

Or maybe I just have sensitive thumbs. :-P
I have two words for you: Power Putty!!

oi! what kinda advice was that?! ;)
See below:

ilya = funniest post EVER!
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